MINISTRY NOTES

Week of October 11,2 009

Hi Everyone,

All couples have communication problems at times. Imagine how difficult it must be when your primary languages are different. In our Marriage Workshop, we have had several Spanish speaking combinations including wives from South America to husbands from Mexico. Usually they speak good enough English to understand our workshops. I frequently encourage partners to learn the other person’s language because it is good to be bilingual. Now for some details for those of you who are single or have never been our Marriage Workshop (or have forgotten). We use a PREP® concept called the “Speaker Listener Technique”. The rules are on a card called the “Floor” (bilingual couples get a copy in Spanish). One of the rules requires the listener to paraphrase or repeat back what the speaker says. Recently, I was helping a bilingual couple, who had been together for four years, privately at the end of the Workshop and they were not doing it correctly. She had said she knew no Spanish. He was giving her this blank “I don’t understand” look and she turned to me and asked, “Could you explain it to him in Spanish”. I responded, “why? 'Repeat' is the same in Spanish as it is in English” (sure a slight spelling and pronunciation difference). He gave this sheepish ‘busted’ look and nodded yes and started doing it correctly. Wow, from now on I will tell people to learn the other person’s language to keep them straight. If your primary language is the same as your spouse, praise God - you have a communication advantage.

Marriage Workshop Moment

To refresh what you have learned in our Workshop or entice you to experience our Workshop

“Remember, all marriages can be better.”

Forgiveness All marriages have opportunities for forgiveness. Failure to forgive is like drinking poison to get even (you only hurt yourself).

The psychologists, whose 30 years of research in developing our marriage workshop material, found that forgiveness is essential. This is strongly reinforced by the fact that the Son of God (Jesus) taught that forgiveness is essential 2,000 years ago. (Matthew 6:14-15).

Saying “I’m sorry” is powerful and equally as important is saying, “I forgive you”. Sometimes healing can come from just talking about the offense, especially in a safe conversation like in your weekly couples meeting (prior to your weekly date night) using the Speaker Listener Technique. Even major issues like adultery can be forgiven and many couples have gone on to have great marriages after major forgiveness.

Understanding the Message: What I share in the message is what I believe God wants me to share. All the direct quotes from God are highlighted in royal purple. Of course the words of Jesus are in red. Rather than follow some made up doctrine, remember that Jesus said that every thing He said (Jn 12:49) and everything He did (Jn 14:31) comes from God. All teachings and all opinions should be supported by what we learn from God or Jesus. .

Message:

Forgiveness with God

Recently a woman called me and wanted some ministry. Apparently she was an excellent employee who was very dedicated to her boss and her job. He replaced her without notice with a relative. She was hurt and felt betrayed. There was no trace of meanness in her words just hurt and disappointment. When I suggested that she forgive him, she said she had and then mentioned another hurtful memory. She really just wanted to talk about all the hurt she felt.

Jesus teaches us that we need to forgive, if we want God to forgive us1. We may forgive someone we will never see again as in an ex-employer situation or we may continue to be, contact like with our spouse. Also we may be constantly reminded of the offense as a person a few years ago whose Doctor’s mistake left her with a significant hearing loss (she got angry when I suggested that Jesus said we need to forgive). We need to forgive if we want to ever receive God’s forgiveness and also for our own mental health. Harboring unforgiveness can poison a person’s life. Jesus does not teach us that we have an excuse to not forgive. Perhaps that fits with Jesus teaching us not to judge others2. Jesus teaches us to love others either as our neighbor3 or our enemy4. In many marriages, your spouse may seem like both at different times. You have no excuse not to love your spouse and forgive them.

Forgiveness does not mean there are not consequences for the offense. If your neighbor walks in your house and steals your TV, you must forgive him1. You can forgive and still let the criminal justice system deal with him. If he steals from you again, you must forgive him again5 but it would also be wise to change your locks or install a security system.

How do you deal with the hurt and pain of being offended that you keep remembering like the employee unfairly terminated or the person with hearing loss (she remembers it every morning when she wakes up and has to put in expensive hearing aids to be able to hear)? First you must say you forgive (with God’s help) every time you remember or feel the hurt5. Does this mean the hurt will never go away or be forgotten? In the world we are told that forgetfulness is a sign of a mental problem, like Alzheimer’s. We have help that is not of this world. Jesus teaches us that we are to aspire to be like God6. God tells us that “… I will forgive … and will remember their sins no more”7. Be encouraged to follow what Jesus teaches and every day1 pray for your enemies or those who persecute you or as in the case of the unfairly terminated employee, “… pray for those who spitefully use you …”4. Yes, in the beginning your prayer could be rather tough like; “punish him, God”. Eventually, you may find your self praying, “don’t be to hard on him, God”. Of course the best way to pray is “ for God’s will to be done in his life1”. Depending on the level of hurt, it may take weeks or months but you will experience a softening in your heart that only God can do and eventually you will forget about the hurt and find a healing from your pain.

Last week while I was mowing the grass/weeds/beautiful wild flowers at the Church, I remembered a couple of very mean things that had happened to me several years ago. Did that mean that the hurt was not healed, NO! That meant that the accuser8 was trying to attack me with some unpleasant memories. I immediately reminded him that I had forgiven everyone in those situations and use spiritual warfare by telling him to shut up11 and leave in Jesus name9 and not come back10. The enemy (the devil) is really dumb because reminding me of several situations at the same time immediately helped me realize with the Hold Spirit’s help as to where the thoughts were coming from. Once I used spiritual warfare, I had peace and enjoyed the mowing wishing that there weren’t weeds mixed in with the beautiful wild flowers.

What if you are not sure that you need to use spiritual warfare? Recently in the paper I read about a person who was unsure about if she had brown recluse spiders in her house. My first reaction was why not just kill them, all spiders can bite you. Whether the devil is at fault or not, use spiritual warfare. It is good for him to be reminded that Jesus is more powerful than him.

Let’s Pray

“God help us to remember every person and situation we need to forgive. Give us the strength to forgive. If there is lingering hurt, heals us from the hurt so we remember the offense no more. Thank You God, in Jesus name, amen.”

1. Matthew 6:10-15

2. Matthew 7:1-5

3. Mark 12:31

4. Matthew 5:44 (NKJV)

5. Matthew 18:21-22

6. Matthew 5:48

7. Jeremiah 31:34 (NIV)

8. Revelation 12:10

9. Mark 16:17

10. Mark 9:25

11. Luke 4:35